hello

I don't know what to say...

Every time I sit down in front of my computer to try and write something, I see my last post staring me in the face and I simply shut it and walk away.  It's just been too hard.  It still is, honestly, but I'm trying...

I usually keep things pretty "light" around this blog.  Not because I'm trying to be fake or pretend like my life is some form of perfect (whatever that is...).  We all have our struggles and heartaches.  I choose not to talk about most of mine on here for the simple reason that I try not to dwell on the bad/sad/difficult. 

Sometimes, though, it just can't be helped.  Sometimes it has to be talked about.  Sometimes it is so huge that there is no way around it, you have to go through it...

So, here goes...

Back in November, we were living in our camper up in Pennsylvania to be near Dan's work.  About a month after we got up there, he was sent to a different area of the state to work which meant the kids and I were alone at the campground while he had to stay in a hotel near the job.  Not that big of a deal, we missed him of course, but it wasn't anything that we hadn't done before.

Everything was chugging along until one evening when my son went outside to empty the tanks.  He came back inside and told me that he was pretty sure there was water dripping from under the camper.  NOT AGAIN!!!  We have had SO many problems with our water lines failing...after having it in the shop for so long this past summer, I really hoped it was fixed (for real) this time. 

Well, my first reaction was to ignore it and hope it magically fixed itself. 

When that didn't work, I had to face it and come up with a solution. 

The water had to be turned off to stop the leaking.  That meant the kids and I were gonna be dry camping.  That wouldn't have been so bad, except for the campground that we were at had started it's winterizing and there was only one (very, very disgustingly nasty) bathroom still open for the entire park.  No water in our rig and no way we were using the park's facilities.  Time for a new plan...

We already had plans to drive down to Florida to visit the grandparents and take care of orthodontist appointments for the kids, so we decided to just pack up the car and hit the road a little early.  The kids and I got the camper all ready to go so that when Dan got time off from work he could swing by and take it to the shop (again!).  The owners of the park were super nice...they let us leave it there with the electricity hooked up (since it wasn't winterized yet) until Dan could pick it up.

Okay, so the camper was uninhabitable and we were on our way to Florida for what was supposed to be a quick visit.  We had packed everything in the car that we would need for several months, just in case...

We got down to Florida and spent about a week at my mom's house, which had been the plan all along.  She had been in the hospital about two weeks prior but she was home and steadily getting stronger...or so we thought.

The orthodontist that we see is actually in Alabama, not Florida.  After staying with momma for a week (in Florida) and seeing that she was getting better, we packed up to leave.  We had planned to stop by the ortho on our way back up the east coast to get a vacation rental near Dan until our camper could be fixed.

Ya'll know that didn't happen...  When we went to the ortho, he referred our daughter to an oral surgeon in the same town.  The surgeon recommended surgery asap, with a recovery time of 2-3 months.  This meant we would be staying in the area, and I am so thankful that we did...

We rented a vacation house in Florida that was close to my mom's house so that we could be with her as much as possible while Ashlyn was healing from her surgery.  This was around the last week of November...

Momma was doing pretty good at first...she attended a wedding, went out to dinner, things like that.  Her oncologist had stopped her chemo treatments while she was in the hospital and as she got stronger he started them back.  That's when everything started going so terribly wrong...

She had her intrathecal treatment and like a switch being flipped...momma, as I knew her, was gone.

My mom had breast cancer in 2005.  She had the cancer surgically removed, chemo, radiation.  She went through a lot then, but we thought she had beat it. 

In early 2011, she started having pains in her shoulders and back.  The cancer was back and it had metastasized to her bones.  She started chemo again along with radiation on the worst spots and things were looking hopeful!  The cancer was slowing down and the spots in her bones were shrinking.  We really thought she was going to beat it this time, too.

Then it moved again.  This time it attacked her brain. 

My mom was SO strong.  She fought SO hard.  The cancer in her brain was in the cerebral spinal fluid and to treat it her oncologist recommended an Ommaya reservoir.  She agreed, had the surgery, and began receiving injections of chemo through the reservoir in her head in addition to the oral chemo that she had been taking for her bones. 

Almost immediately after her last injection, she began a rapid decline.  We don't know why.  Her doctor was excellent, he did so much to help her.  Maybe her body had just reached it's limit...

The kids and I moved back in with my mom and step dad for a while to help out.  That was one of the hardest things I have ever lived through...  I am not going to go into detail about her last months, that's not the way I want her to be remembered.  Any of you that have had experience with brain cancer know what I am talking about.  Those of you that don't know...I pray that you never do.  It is horrible.

I am still in shock at how fast things went from improving...to the exact opposite.  Her oncologist decided on New Year's Eve to release her to hospice.  There was nothing else he could do for her.

I don't know how the sweet ladies and men who work for hospice do what they do, but I am so thankful for them.  They made things so much more comfortable for my mom and I am forever grateful to them for that.

The last few times I had sat with momma, she had slept most of the day.  I went over on a Monday and she was awake all day long.  She didn't say much, she couldn't at that point, but she didn't have to.  Her eyes said it all...  I chatted with her and she looked at me with so much love and the biggest smile.  She smiled and smiled that day...

That evening, when her hospice nurse came, she told us that momma would most likely not last the week.  And she was right...

It was only two short days later that she left this world. 

I still can't believe it.

I miss her so much...

Looking back over the past few months and how everything happened, I can see how God was working to get me where I needed to be.  By my momma's side.

She would want me to keep living my life to the fullest.  The last thing she would want would be for me to sit around and cry all day... 

I'm trying, ya'll.  I am...

For my kids, for my husband, for my own self, and because I told my mom I would...I am doing my best to smile everyday, even when I don't feel like it.  

I have so much to tell ya'll about, so many memories that I want to get down before I forget them.  Things that I haven't yet shared about from before...  and things that are good even after...

Like today, for example... 

Yes, the kids and I are still in Florida.  Back in January (when momma was still here) we rented another vacation house through the end of April (which was as far out as the rental company would go at the monthly rate...in May the price goes up x6...the monthly rate in the off season is about what 4 nights will get you in the summer around here...).

Today the kids and I went for a long walk, probably about four miles total.  We walked down the beach as far as we could go in one direction and then turned around to head back to our house.  The sun was setting on our walk back, which was gorgeous on it's own, and we stopped to admire the last bit of color before going up the path towards our house.  As we were standing there watching the reflection of the colors on the water, a dolphin glided by...then another...and yet another...

(click on the picture to make it bigger)

...we were all smiling as we walked up the path this evening.  How could we not?